there's paper in my vomit.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
