The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
