Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
