I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
