I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
