Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
