apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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