her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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