A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
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