I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
