did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
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