You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
