I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
