he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
