Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
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i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
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Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
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