If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
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