my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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