U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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