Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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