We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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