I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
