walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
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