My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
