Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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