and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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