did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
