I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Randomize
