Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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