Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
