I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
