Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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