if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
