i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
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he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
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Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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