Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I have feelings that need drinking.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
