i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
