Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
