please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
