I will die if light touches me.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
