I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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