Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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