so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
