I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Can you bring me the toilet please
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Randomize
