I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
how drunk are you?
Several
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
