i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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