I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
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