I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
as a side note pls kill me
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
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