yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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