I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
