soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
