Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
you made out with another girl for some wings
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
