If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Randomize
