I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
