walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
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I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
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I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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