Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
