remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
