Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
