can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
