Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
