she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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