Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I have post one night stand depression
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
