Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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