im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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