You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
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